After taking the difficult decision to leave my job at the school, I felt that life could return to normal. That I could get back to the person I'd been but had neglected. Sadly the Universe had other ideas and plans laid out for me and my life at the moment is far from normal. When I stepped off the old wheel, I didn't realise that it was to be a totally new wheel that I'd find myself on, rather than a previous safe and settled one.
Most mornings I wake up and feel the fear in the pit of my stomache. I take a while for it to settle, for me to acknowledge it and feel it fully as I ease myself into the day. I'm not hiding from this fear any more or distracting myself with hyperactive excesses. I'm dealing with each individual part of it as I open a dialogue between my reasoning mind and the irrational feelings that threaten to engulf me.
I'm afraid of making the wrong choices, but we can only work with what we know or feel at the time. So choices, made carefully, are simply what they are, neither right or wrong, even though not everyone will agree with them.
I'm afraid of the future, well, so are a great many people, but we all have to move forwards and I choose to do it bravely.
As each fear surfaces, I try to handle it, to calm it with reasoning and rational thought. I'm so tired from the effort but I feel more alive than I have done for a good long time.
I spent some time with the ponies yesterday, calmed my erratic heartbeat and stilled my nerves so that I could carry on with the day. As I drove home, I watched the rain clouds pour over the hill ahead and then suddenly this beautiful rainbow lit up the sky. It gave me such terrific hope!
And then this morning, as I sipped my tea, my darling little Max staggered into the bedroom, exhausted from scaling the stairs. By all rights this old boy should have left me long ago, but I'm so grateful for his company now. Each day feels like his last and each new one feels like a gift :D
I would like to add, that in due course I'll be less cryptic about my circumstances, but for now I'll reassure you that my health is good and life goes on.x